Title: Tiny Island Author: bcfan Author E-mail: bcfan@shaw.ca Rating: R Category: SA - character exploration Spoilers: post-episode for My Name is Paul (IMTP VS8x29) Thanks in advance to Daydreamer, for letting me play in her universe. Tiny Island by bcfan Sometimes I feel like a tiny island floating in the sea. Palm trees' sway don't get in the way, it's a tropical ease. And everywhere that I keep my silence, no sound returns to me, Just endless waves at the end of our days, the sighing of the sea. But yesterday's gone, I don't know where I come from, Wonder where I'm going. - Leo Kottke, Tiny Island ------------ September 21, 2001 Walter Skinner walked firmly to the door and closed it behind him, leaving Mulder and Scully in their basement office. All that had happened in the past few weeks - his apparent death, his brainwashing that made him believe he was someone else, his rescue by Mulder and Scully - had left him inwardly reeling. Compartmentalize, he chastised himself. Do it, you know you're good at it. So what if you thought you were married, thought you were someone else - with all the other things that have happened in the X-Files, this is nothing. This last thought made him smile grimly. Mask firmly in place, Skinner managed to drive to Crystal City and enter his condo before his hands started to shake. He dropped his coat and briefcase to the floor and staggered to the sofa before tears that had plagued him for the last four days began to roll down his face. His large frame shook with sobs and he wrapped his arms around himself in a desperate attempt to suppress his emotions. This wasn't him. He was supposed to be in control. After a few long moments, Skinner was able to sag back onto the sofa. He wiped his nose on his white dress shirt, and then scrubbed his face with his hands. Another headache, another raw throat, but he knew better than to reach for the scotch. Drinking only led to nightmares, nightmares where he was Paul all over again. Losing everything he loved about that life - all over again. Skinner sighed. He knew he was in trouble, emotionally impacted in a way even his near-death experience with nanocytes hadn't caused. After all, he was in a dangerous job, and was prepared for the eventuality of death in the line of duty. Had been prepared, in a way, since his tour of Vietnam. But this was different. This was a snatching away - not of his life - but of the life he wished in his heart he could lead. A happy marriage. A successful, uncomplicated career. Friendship. Even the simple things had been so enjoyable. He thought back to a week ago, how relaxed he had been just taking a shower, eating a companionable meal with someone he loved. Fuck this pity party. He remembered earlier words to Mulder. I need to find places where I feel welcome. A truth, unacknowledged until now, hit him hard. I've been ignoring it, but I've been leading a lonely life. I'm the only one who can change it. Skinner stood and slowly walked towards the shower, one of his favourite places to think. He had used it for years as a kind of depressurizing chamber. As he relaxed into the moist heat, he began to make plans. I'm not allowed back into the Bureau yet - fine. How would I like to spend some time? Skinner considered the gym, but since his near-death, boxing didn't hold the same appeal. A slight smile began to tug at the corners of his mouth as he remembered something he used to love to do. Something he hadn't thought about in years - Scuba diving. I could join a tour group, taking a short trip to somewhere warm. Relax, get some sun, and get away. Later that evening, as he sat in the corner booth of his favourite Italian trattoria, Skinner examined the travel brochures spread out before him. Scuba diving groups were prolific, and he had his choice of several destinations. Skinner sighed and swallowed, feeling suddenly uneasy at the prospect of joining a group of unknown people, but then reminded himself of the easy camaraderie of experiences from twenty years ago. This was a start, he reminded himself. He could do this. He could take the plunge. Despite his pensive mood, Skinner was able to laugh silently at his own joke. The more he reminisced about past scuba diving experiences, the more he began to look forward to something, look forward for the first time since his pseudo-life as Paul. ------------ FBI Headquarters October 2, 2001 A tanned, relaxed Walter Skinner walked into his office at 8 a.m., his briefcase in one hand and a small bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm. "Mr. Skinner," Kimberly smiled. "Good to have you back." "Thank you, Kim." Walter handed her the flowers. "And I also want to thank you for all you've had to cope with in my absence. I know that it couldn't have been easy." "No, sir. When we thought you were dead..." Kimberly's voice wavered slightly, and Skinner regarded her with affection. "I'm sorry you had to handle that, Kim. I hope you've had some help." "Agents Mulder and Scully were very supportive, sir. I've left their reports about the incident on your desk. You might be surprised to know that you're an X-File now." Kimberly smiled slightly, and Skinner shrugged, amused. "The way things have been going the last few years, Kim, it wouldn't surprise me if we all become X- Files." Skinner was relieved to see Kimberly's smile broaden as he entered his office. Walter Skinner settled contentedly behind his desk for the first time in what seemed like forever. Long hours spent in the water absorbing the beauty of the sea, evenings spent idly chatting with other divers, drinking beer with no plans beyond the next day's dive site, had given him the perspective he needed to continue his life in D.C. He felt he was making a difference at the Bureau. He wanted to make a difference for the better, for agents he admired the most - including Mulder and Scully. He couldn't do that working in a high school or at any other less stressful job. Thinking of Mulder and Scully reminded him of their report, and he began to scan it with interest and hard- won objectivity. His detachment faltered, though, as he realized how much Mulder and Scully had been forced to discover about his personal life in order to successfully see beyond his "death" and find him. Skinner knew that he was an intensely private person, and blushed uncomfortably at the thought of how small his life might have seemed to them. He boxed at the gym and volunteered at the soup kitchen. His life was full of acquaintances, but he had no real friends. That needed to change. And he needed to start right now. "Kimberly, please ask Agents Mulder and Scully to meet with me this morning," he directed, then became immersed in a waiting mound of paperwork until their arrival. A knock at the door brought his head out of a lengthy report. Skinner stood behind his desk to greet Mulder and Scully, thought better of it, then walked around his desk to warmly shake their hands instead. "Agents, good to see you again." "You wanted to speak to us, sir?" Scully smiled, and Mulder continued, "Did you enjoy your trip to Florida?" "Very much. Please, have a seat." Skinner cleared his throat. It was so hard to talk about how he felt. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I - I want to thank you, agents. Any reasonable person would have given up the search for me with such strong evidence in place, including a body." Mulder shrugged, a wry smile on his face. "The X- Files have taught us to look for extreme possibilities, sir. But we were glad to help." "I also want to thank you for arranging my funeral service. I would give anything to have heard that storefront preacher - except die, of course." Skinner grinned unexpectedly, and Mulder and Scully smiled back. "However, Agents, after reading this report I believe that there's one thing that was forgotten." "Sir?" Scully murmured, puzzled. Skinner's smile broadened. "The customary wake. I'd like to rectify that. If you're both free this evening, I'd be happy to pay for a round or two of drinks at Casey's bar. Is that acceptable, Agents?" "Yes, sir," they echoed in unison. "Fine. I'll see you at 7 p.m." Skinner waved Mulder and Scully off, returning to his paperwork. He felt a glow of satisfaction. For the first time in years, Walter Skinner was opening himself to the possibility of friendship. It felt good. He didn't want to envy his former life - his life as Paul - any longer. He was Walter Sergei Skinner. He was ready for change.